I don’t like to talk about personal romantic misadventures, because I guess I feel embarrassed to be believing in something so silly. Of course there could be a great deal of other reasons why romance and love and affection make me feel cringe…y and uncomfortable. Freud might say it arises from issues of my childhood, namely my parents divorce, or maybe it is just in my nature, in my genes, or maybe it its because of the way I was nurtured, growing up, and the things I was exposed to. Whatever.
Romance makes me wrinkle my nose, there’s something about behaving so idiotically that gives me the creeps. Of course, I suppose its nice to be doing nice things with each other, but you can make your affections known without littering the floor with rose pedals and shitting your money away on expensive restaurants. Unless, of course, that’s what you’re into.
Perhaps my reluctance to cave into romantic activity comes from this whole idea of expensive gifts and such. Okay, I’m sure there are couples who would turn their noses up at that and say: “Hm. We’ve never gone on an expensive dinner before. Our dates are sitting at home watching a movie in our sweats (for some reason my spell check thinks movie is not a real word …). We’ve never bought into the Hallmark holidays, because we truly care about each other.” Okay, cool story bro, but I’m talking about people in general, people who do buy into it. There is a certain stereotype about relationships that revolve around money, and they wouldn’t exist if these people don’t.
I believe I told someone once that I was a romantic. Well that was in my first year of university, when I didn’t know what the FUCK I was talking about, because I hate it. This it NOT because being single made me bitter and want a lot of cats, because I would want to have a lot of cats regardless of my status and I am not bitter at all about it. It took me several experiences to slap me awake. Prior to this I was somehow brainwashed by the society around me to believe that I wanted to be in a “relationship” and that it would make me happy. Wrong. If society demands that you want something, it will not care if you are happy or not once you have it. Sometimes this is for the greater good, a homogeneous society might be more peaceful because human beings are accepting of the familiar, the known, but is not as warm towards things that are different. Dark skin. Homosexuality. Different religions. Mental and physical diseases.
Sometimes I feel like I’m among a minority of people that society takes for granted doesn’t exist, but from my experiences with the internet, I think this minority is very big. I think it might be more accurate if I say that there is something within each of us that society suppresses. The scary thing is that we are not even aware that it is being pushed away. If I were to fear anything, I would be afraid of what I truly am, without society whispering in my ear, but what I fear is the unknown, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
Honestly I’ve had plenty of chances to “be with someone”. Sometimes I fuck up, sometimes they fuck up, and sometimes one of us is just not that into it. But if I truly wanted it, I would’ve had it by now. People who seek attention get it, people who work towards their goals live their dreams. If companionship was really what I was after, nothing would’ve stopped me.
But I think this wasn’t what first put me off trying to find a boyfriend. I can say honestly now that I am not bitter, but at one point, I was extremely so. I was so obsessed with the thought of being in a relationship, and it made me sad, because it was something that I couldn’t get. At the same time I was tired as fuck of advice like: “If you don’t think about it as much, then it might come to you.” If I was a passionate writer and my first manuscript was rejected by a publisher, I would’ve been fucked if I just sat back and chilled out waiting for a publisher to come find my sorry ass. I was also tired of trying too hard and making an idiot of myself, tired of believing that there was something wrong with me, that I was insane. I was sick of girls telling me, “It’s okay for girls to make the first move! Equality! Blah blah blah bullshit!” Because honestly, guys prefer to make the first move. Maybe not all guys, but most of them, so you can be safe to assume that the majority of them will want to make the first move. It’s the girls’ job to give the right signals so that the guy can tell when he should make the move.
But I digress.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I should not have been bitter over something I truly did not want. There were more important things to worry about, at least for me.
But I feel like it’s wrong to boycott relationships, especially at my age. And people will tell me, “Loosen up, just have fun.” But it’s not because I’m uptight, nor is it because I’m a prude or whatever. I won’t have fun just dating someone I’m not that into, and this frustrates me so much. I’m guarded towards guys not because I think I’m better than them, but because I know I won’t like them, and that I will just lead them on, if they end up liking me a lot, and if I know this before hand, then why go through with the whole thing knowing I’m going to hurt him? And on a selfish note, I prefer a lot of individual activities, writing, drawing, reading etc., and I honestly feel like dating and such can be a waste of time. I am not in such a desperate need for companionship to throw myself on anything that comes my way hoping that I’ll find someone to hold my bag while I go shopping, and that I can crawl to when I’m down, but I have no true affections for.
I guess somewhere deep inside I still want to find someone I really care for, but these illusions about love are created in me by generations of princess stories, dreams of true love, and they don’t really exist. Not in my world, not with my luck. It will forever exist in potentiality, in dreams.
But I believe they might exist with other people. I don’t want to be a party pooper, right? I might get burned at the stake.