It’s very loud in my head, and the noise is very distracting. I forget things easily, I lose track of things easily. When I’m writing I could go on a tangent and forget my original point effortlessly. I’m an introvert, so I internalize almost all the stimuli around me, and that’s why there are so many thoughts. When I’m aware of them I feel like my head will burst, and maybe if that happens it might be a relief to exist without a physical body. Then I would be something completely different.
Music helps me focus. I guess it’s my Adderall. It narrows down my range of emotions down to the emotions expressed in the song, and while the song is playing, I work less at keeping those emotions on the surface, the same emotions that would sink to the bottom in competition with my many other fleeting thoughts.
But this isn’t a world where being able to feel something counts as productive. I would need to be able to express those emotions. Unfortunately my ability to feel has surpassed my ability to express. Maybe the reason why I feel so heavy is because my body has dammed up things that should have been allowed to flow freely. For whatever reason I have been too caught up with the event of feeling, and did not give enough importance to translating those feelings.
Perhaps because I felt that no one would care? Or because I felt that I might be ridiculed?
Even as I’m writing this I am being used by the words that I’m speaking with. Because thoughts are not the same medium as words, the act of expressing myself is an act of translation, and my vocabulary has restricted the spectrum of ideas I am able to express. You don’t know the degree of jealousy and respect I feel towards the people who have gained the ability to translate their thoughts with grace and elegance, into both written and oral language.
Because I think when a notion first appears to you it appears as a feeling, an emotion, like intuition and as you become more aware of it you begin to formulate this notion into words. I wish someone would teach me how to do this with skill because maybe after I’ve learned how to do this it wouldn’t be so chaotic inside my head.
But does the chaos originate from my thoughts or from somewhere less logical?