Tag Archives: personal

ARTING @#!$%

I don’t know if I’m the only one who feels this, or if it’s simply because of the people around me, but I’m constantly stressed out and frustrated when it comes to taking time off to do art. I’m not a full time artist, I’m not even a professional artist, and I don’t have the money to pay for art school, but I’m still in love with drawing, so the only way for me to improve is to take personal time to practice drawing. Ultimately I’d like to one day make drawing and illustrating my profession, but in order to get there I have to push myself to do a lot of work first.

I’m not certain that many people are familiar with the fact that drawing is fucking hard, and that it’s also a skill that you have to build on. Just like any skill, it takes a long time to perfect it, and even at a high level there are still things to learn and new things to do, and all of this can be achievable with a lot of practice at drawing the same things over and over again in order to get a simple gesture or a simple strand of hair the way that you want. Art is also very organic, and sometimes mistakes can lead to unique new quirks in a character design or a painting, but there would never be any mistakes to be made IF I NEVER HAD THE TIME TO DO ART IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Starting to get mad just thinking about it.

When people hear that I’ve been drawing, they expect a finished product, which usually I don’t have because when I say I’m drawing, I’m usually practising drawing a character or a costume or a pose. None of these ever get finished because they’re quick drawings where I try to capture the essence of what I’m trying to draw.

When people hear that I’m practising drawing, sometimes I get the, “I thought you knew how to draw” face. Just because I CAN doesn’t mean I’m GOOD ENOUGH SHUT YOUR FACE.

Sometimes people forget that I have to draw as much as I can as often as I can, and that I have to be drawing every single day to improve on my skill. It’s like learning to play a sport or even learning how to play Star Craft. I need as much practice as I can, and the thing with drawing is that after I learn how to draw one thing, there will ALWAYS BE ANOTHER FUCKING THING TO LEARN TO DRAW. But instead of going to a gym or taking lessons, I’m sitting at home with my headphones in hunched over a pile of papers, so obviously people don’t take that seriously when they assume that I’m free ALL THE FUCKING TIME BECAUSE ALL I DO AT HOME IS DOODLE LIKE A CHILD, especially since I haVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT AT THE END OF 5 FUCKING HOURS so OF COURSE I CAN DICK AROUND ALL THE TIME GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I think the biggest underlying problem with this is the fact that what I do is not connected to any institution, and therefore nothing I do on my own free time is significant enough to respect as a serious thing. I do not go to school, so I cannot tell people I’m drawing for homework. I do not work for anyone, so I cannot tell people I have to meet a deadline. I work basically for myself, and more or less for volunteer, and when it comes to that kind of art work people tend not to take the amount of effort involved very seriously.

But when it comes down to it I care about what I do a lot, or to be more accurate, I care about what I want to do a lot. Now that I’ve begun working on a project again, I’m trying not to get distracted by other things, but at the same time I can’t focus on that work constantly. Sometimes I need to take a break, and there is where another problem arises.

People see me when I’m taking a break because when I’m working I never socialize and when I take a break from it I tend to interact with people more often, so everyone only remembers the “me” that is not working, therefore I must not work. It’s the same fucked up parent logic whenever they burst into your room without knocking and catches you taking a break from your homework and assumes that you’ve been taking a break the entire time they were not in your room.

In conclusion GET LEARNED FIRST BEFORE YOU FUCKING TAKE A SHIT ON OTHER PEOPLE’S PASSIONS, SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT.

 

-kwin

 

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Something’s Not Right

In my final term of university, a lot of the courses I take are meant to be credit whores, meaning I really don’t want to care about them, I just want the credits and I want to get out of there.

Lots of people probably don’t understand this kind of thinking without context, and here it is: I HATE MY MAJOR.

“How can you hate your major, you chose it?”

Trust me, no one is harder on me about this than me. With every course I take I feel like I’m furthering my doom. 22, and no skills to transfer to a work-place? Growing up sucks, especially when you’re a loser.

But the one good thing about my university experience is my minor: Psychology. I don’t think I’ll ever pursue a career in the field, because I’m just not driven enough. There are a lot of things that I want to do in life, and psych is not one of them. However, it is FASCINATING, and in most cases I can always look forward to going to psych lectures and understanding more about myself and the people around me.

However, like I said before, this is my LAST TERM, which means I CAN SEE THE END, I can almost TOUCH IT, so whatever energy was in my reserve to care about anything is almost completely drained. Nonetheless I still think my psych courses are interesting, especially personality psych.

Except I HATE IT.

And for the longest time I had no idea why I hated it so much. Was it the material? Definitely not. Although personality psych is one side of the spectrum, and biased onto itself, it is still interesting to explore aspects of personality and understand a bit of what might go on behind the scenes to drive a person’s behaviour.

Did I hate the prof? She was cheerful, seemingly friendly, and her lectures and engaging to a point. Granted she seems lazy and never shows up to our exams and showed two whole movies, but there was no reason to hate her for that.

Perhaps it was her slides. They are overly simplified, and a lot of the points are kind of useless because they’re so obvious. This isn’t a first year psych course, but it sure feels like one from reading the slides. For a while I decided that yeah, I hated this course because everything was too simple, too black and white. It was one or the other, and no spectrum in between, and the personality traits were treated as good and bad. People who are extraverted are the perfect definition of a healthy mind, and those who are high in neuroticism need help because they are prone to anxiety and depression. That’s not the whole truth, and I know that because this isn’t the first psych course I’ve taken, but it’s presented without any other alternatives. It makes me feel like she doesn’t care enough to go into the details, that she only cares about our results on the midterm and not our learning. It sucks learning about aggression when she presents aggression and violence in males so stereotypically, without bothering to go into any causes and theories. Men are angry because they’re testosterony. End of story? According to her lectures? Yes.

But I didn’t write a rant about her because her lecture notes are so one-dimensional, because I realized that that’s actually not the reason why I hate her class. The real reason is that all this information about personality is presented as though there was a right way for people to exist. If you have an unhealthy attachment with your parents as a child, then chances are, you will be fucked up and that’s too bad for you because that’s wrong and good luck with that in the future. Too bad you’re neurotic because in this society you’re a freak. You should try to be more extraverted because those people are born right, but well don’t try too hard because you CAN’T change who you are. Depressed? You need to correct your existence because look at the general population. They are happy 65% of the time while you are sad and pathetic! Everyone in the world should be happy and content most of the time, so why aren’t you like that?

I’m probably biased myself, because I’m neurotic, and introverted and have a tendency to be depressed very often. I have a very unhealthy attachment style and every now and then I feel like there’s no point to anything because I’m useless. But never in any other classrooms have I felt so personally attacked because of the way I am, simply because of the way a slide is worded, and in this cases its not one slide, it’s almost all of them. I’m not even a minority, I’m just human and I am, for some reason, wrong.

To me, being neurotic is a way of life, but in a lot of ways I am like a lot of people. I have breakdowns where I cry my eyes out and snot is just guzzling out of my nose. I have excellent days where I feel like I can conquer the world and I am the only person I want to be. At my set-point I am probably less “happy” than the average person, and because of that happiness to me is not real, and that’s how I cope with being who I am. I don’t have a white-picket personality, but you know what, that’s what’s normal, bitch, because nobody does.

What grade would I give this prof ? F, for fuck you.

 

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